Things Are Scary. Let’s Enjoy Some Smut.
Arguing and exploring adult films as a form of sex education.
My favorite way to break up back-to-back dense nonfiction books is to pick up a smutty romance.
I felt a lot of shame around reading romances until I got on TikTok (I warned y’all last week) where there is a massive community of romance readers to help you explore the vast and ever expanding genre. I had really only ever been acquainted with the faceless six-packed torsos I’d see on the covers of mass market romances, incredibly intimidating and honestly embarrassing to be seen with anywhere outside the safety of a home. The cartoon covers I was introduced to by creators like Eden, Kayli, and Brittany quickly moved from my TBR into my hand, introducing me to worlds and tropes I’d never allowed myself to indulge in. Since I let go of my inner stigma and have now read dozens of great and not-so-great books, I have learned that I favor queer friends to lovers, really enjoy modern retellings of classic romances, and will do anything in this world to continue getting new books from Alexis Hall because holy shit she writes emotional intimacy like no one else.
Despite being ashamed of reading romances for so long, I never felt a stigma around where I usually sought examples of romantic and physical connection: porn.
Before I lose you, let’s get the facts straight. The porn industry is horrific, preying on young women to enter it and young men to rely on it. I recommend Hot Girls Wanted: Turned On, a Netflix documentary series that followed up the Hot Girls Wanted film, to everyone emotionally and mentally ready to understand the horrors behind this industry. Porn is filled with homophobia, exploitation, deep-seated racism, and more horrors I can’t even begin to describe. Just like on social media, there is an algorithm that decides success, and there are harmful steps you can take to be favored by the algorithm. Shocking, click-baiting, question-inducing content does better; the “what is that?” frame will always beat out the “that’s what they’re doing”, curiosity killing the boundaries we had set. Whenever I had tried to navigate the big site whose intro song makes some people scramble for their phones, it made me feel ashamed, disgusting, and terrified of myself for even wanting to watch that type of content. Even just entering the site, you know you’re not safe, no matter what you are looking for.
So why am I unabashedly admitting I watch porn?
I watched Hot Girls Wanted: Turned On when it came out in 2017 and was introduced to Erika Lust, an award-winning adult film director. Lust produces beautiful, original films by creating a healthy, safe environment for her performers of all backgrounds and paying them fairly. Her series XConfessions is my favorite of her projects. People write in their sexual fantasies, and she turns them into films which transforms shame coming from desire into art originating from desire. As a creative, Lust is an icon to me; I am so inspired by her ethics and passion for her craft. Through engaging with Lust’s work, I am constantly gaining a better understanding and appreciation of sexuality, kink, and intimacy, and I have been introduced to more directors like Lust who don’t sacrifice safety for profit. I have taken the position of missionary, spreading the message of sex positivity to all who would listen.
Lust’s work became my sex education, something I did not receive as a teenager. I grew up on John Hughes movies, on being told that the bullying that sent me to the nurses offices was boys ways of telling me they liked me, on the Christian lies that being queer meant I was a danger to the world. I was handed The Care and Keeping of You to better understand my own body (which you can’t tell me isn’t the bible), but I had no resources to understand what it meant to have your body perceived and understood by others. I had never learned nor had conversations about what consent was, and the sexual trauma I navigate and process everyday reflects that lack of knowledge.
It’s not a rare occurrence that my sex education came from watching porn. In Hot Girls Wanted, Lust talks about how kids are more likely getting introduced to what sex is from the internet than receiving sex education. In the US, sex education is inconsistent to put it lightly, and the freedom for educators to talk to their students about pertinent topics is being stripped from them (the truest form of freedom of speech). We see books that allow kids to learn and feel less alone being ripped from their hands and unshelved from their classrooms; one of the top ten banned books of all time is an incredible developmental and sex education resource. We are learning more each day how screen time and social media affects development, yet we are forcing kids to rely on those screens to receive any sort of information that pertains to the experiences that they are growing through.
In the year of our Lorde 2024, we are hearing about sex more than ever before, but I don’t think we’re talking to each other about it. Sex is easy to consume and be consumed by in the many forms that it lives in, especially when it is new to you. Entering spaces of intimacy requires knowledge that comes from understanding yourself and your experiences, but processing that knowledge, empowering and discouraging, is so important in having positive encounters. In any situation where we are presented with new information, having access to resources deepens and broadens our understanding of ourself, others, and the world we are navigating.
Porn and smut can be resources for sex education, and I think we should approach them as a such and make sure the information we’re getting is coming from a trusted source.
Everyone deserves access to resources and education to better understand themselves and the world around them. Everyone. It doesn’t matter if you’re a twelve year old who just got their first unwanted boner in English class. It doesn’t matter if you’re a twenty-three year old who kissed someone of the same sex drunk at the bar last night and are realizing that you’ve never felt that feeling before. It doesn’t matter how old you are, who you love, where you are in life: you deserve to know and love yourself and have access to resources to better your understanding.
Take the time you need to find the materials that help you feel empowered and understood, and go have a good orgasm while you do it. We all need one.